. . . or “Do I Get a Say in This?”
Setting goals in a relationship is important. It can help keep your relationship on track and headed in a direction that is beneficial for both of you. Goal setting as a couple, though, becomes dramatically different from individual goals. It’s not just about figuring out what you want. There is another whole person with emotions, needs, and plans all their own. Now, they have to be factored in when charting your future.
One of the most important things you need to help set healthy relationship goals, like any set of goals, is honesty. Next is communication. In my opinion, these two ideas will form a solid foundation for setting realistic goals. And they provide so many other benefits in a healthy relationship. But for now I’m just going to discuss them in regards to setting goals as a couple.
Where to begin
Setting goals is a process. First you, as a couple, will need some idea of your goal. Now, it’s not as simple as just saying, “We need to do this.” Or even, “I want us to achieve that.” But by making statements like those you are in essence coming up with a hypothesis in the scientific process. It’s one of the first steps.
So, you now have what goal you want to achieve. Hold on before you go speeding down the Achievement Highway. You now need to be honest with yourself and your partner about whether it is a realistically achievable goal. (I tend to set unrealistic goals for myself, one of the many reasons I am grateful to my wife. She tends to ground me. In an encouraging way, of course.) And that can be a very difficult process. Because, sometimes you can set a very desirable goal, a very noble goal. One that you truly want to achieve, and it can be very painful to realize that it cannot be reached.
Now, achievable doesn’t mean “easy.” Many times it is a very difficult process to reach those goals, and difficult doesn’t mean “impossible” either.
Real life often intrudes
As you will probably read in my wife’s posts, we have had difficulty conceiving a child and then being able to carry that pregnancy to term. Early in our relationship, conceiving was easy. But of the roughly 16 pregnancies my wife had, only two went to term, and only one of those survived. After our second son was born, we were hit with financial difficulties that made me hesitant to try for another child. I didn’t think we were in a position financially where we could support another child.
So we kept putting off trying for another child. For about ten years.
Now, we are in a better position to grow our family, we are in a situation where the likelihood of us having a child “the old fashioned way” is near zero. Sure there are some options, but the cost of those options places them out of reach.
Adjusting your targets
So, how does that all tie into “honesty” as far as making realistic relationship goals? Well, we have a goal (to expand our family) that we wish to reach. We took a hard look at all the obstacles in the way of achieving that goal, and had an actual conversation where we honestly discussed all the options available to us.
First, we didn’t sugar coat anything, or look at them through rose colored glasses (does anyone still use that expression?). We were honest and straightforward with all the information (which my wife is waaaay better at gathering then I am) and we had a direct conversation. And so, that leads to the second step of the process.
Take turns talking
Having a conversation, however that may look for you and your partner (for us it involves a whole lot of sarcasm and snark), is the only way you will be able to look at all the facets of an issue that may be preventing you from achieving your goals.
And these are not “one and done” conversations either. Some will last for several days where you readdress the topic where you bring in new information.
This can sound intimidating
With all this in mind, if you’re having difficulty with setting realistic goals, start small.
Set goals that you can achieve as a couple: setting a date night, or a time to just talk about your day with each other, or saving to go on a vacation. All of these can be used as a jumping off point to move to more difficult goals. It may seem easier and more manageable to start with concrete goals, first.
Unstoppable force, meet immovable object
Disagreements happen all the time. It’s generally not the end of the world. If you’re having difficulty agreeing on a goal to set or the process needed to achieve a goal, well this loops back to the “honesty” and “communication” points mentioned previously.
Do your best not to fight with each other. When you fight it’s very difficult to be open to suggestions from your partner. Have a conversation where you can make your points for why you feel a certain goal or plan to achieve a goal is best for you as a couple. And be open to hearing the same types of arguments from your partner as to why they think a different goal or plan is better. Remember, if you think your partner should be willing to listen to you, you should be willing to listen to them.
On some occasions, you may not be able to agree on a goal or plan. If you feel that A should lead to B then to C to achieve D, but your partner believes that Q should follow V leading to B to reach Ω, you will have to either figure out a compromise or abandon one or both goals. Yes compromise, that thing that keeps us from blowing the planet up for one more day.
Together wherever we go
So, you’ve now agreed on a goal and plan to achieve that goal, hopefully. As part of the plan you may need to schedule times to discuss developments as it progresses, how the plan has evolved, if new variables are added or old ones taken out.
As far as the time frame for when to have these little “meetings,” well that’s difficult to say. If you’re a very organized and structured couple you can set up dates and times in a shared family calendar, sit and have a formal meeting (Robert’s Rules and all). Or you can be more loose and free with it.
I would say that for long term goals (two or more years or so) you can space your “meetings” out more with the occasional spontaneous meeting if something changes suddenly. Short term goals would need more regular and frequent meetings to check on progress.
Everybody’s got an opinion
Many times you can get pushback or criticism from friends and family over what goals you may have set. This is particularly hard to swallow from parties who don’t live with you or that you see only at special occasions. Ultimately, you need to decide how much weight to give them in your relationship. Unless you have an amazingly progressive dynamic, you’ll be sleeping next to your partner, not Auntie Gertrude.
Similar to what was mentioned just previously, sit and have a conversation with them. Listen to their concerns, discuss your reasoning with them. If they bring up valid issues that you hadn’t thought of before, factor in the new information to your plans and see how it may change your reasoning. And if your plan is the best, explain to them why and why this goal is important to achieve, and hopefully you will convince them your plan is a good one.
Stick to the basics
So, what all this boils down to is . . . talk to each other.
Openly, honestly, and without fighting.
When needed, fight the urge to become defensive and listen to your partner. There can be different paths to reach the same destination, but the journey is often much more fun with two.
If you are struggling to find the right words to express yourself, or if you need some help trying to understand your partner, we have resources that can help.
